Book Review: If He Had Been With Me by Laura Nowlin
If He Had Been With Me by Laura Nowlin is a devastating coming-of-age story that explores the complexities of friendship, love, loss, and the consequences of choices. But as much as this book hit me hard, it also frustrated me. I find myself torn between wanting to give it 1 star and 5 stars at the same time. It’s both beautiful and heartbreaking, simplistic and complex, tragic yet relatable.
Be forewarned: this book delves into some heavy topics, and it’s important to acknowledge the triggers for readers.
Trigger Warnings: Suicide, mental health issues, sexual content, teen pregnancy
Introduction
In If He Had Been With Me, we follow Autumn and Finny, two childhood friends who have grown apart but remain undeniably connected. Their lives, intertwined by their families, are at the heart of this emotionally charged story. The book chronicles the ups and downs of their high school years, filled with moments of joy, confusion, pain, and missed opportunities.
Their journey through high school and the complexities of growing up together is heart-wrenching and beautifully written. It’s a story of “what could have been” and the fragile nature of life and relationships.
What I expected to be a standard YA coming-of-age story turned into something much more—and also much harder to read. Despite its flaws, I couldn’t put it down, and by the end, it left me absolutely broken.
Plot & Setting
The plot is simple, but profound. It is driven not by constant action, but rather by emotional beats and character development, with a powerful and devastating conclusion. We follow Autumn’s journey through high school, focusing on her relationship with Finny, her best friend from childhood, who has slowly become a stranger. Their families have been close for years, so the tension of their growing distance didn’t quite make sense to me at first (and I still struggle with the complete plausibility).
The setting—an ordinary high school and its surrounding town—feels like an authentic backdrop to the intimate story being told. The book revolves around the dynamic of their friendship, unspoken feelings, and the tragedy of lost time—and ultimately, lost love.
Character Development
Autumn’s character is beautifully flawed. At times, I found myself angry with her—especially in her relationship with Jamie, which was a mess of red flags. His constant pressure and dismissive attitude toward her were infuriating, and I just wanted to shake some sense into Autumn. But, as much as I disliked her behavior at times, I also understood it. The author perfectly captured the turbulence of adolescence, where hormones and emotions often cloud one’s better judgment.
Finny, on the other hand, remains a more elusive figure. We read more about him in the second book-review coming soon! I wanted more of their present-day interactions to build a deeper understanding of their relationship. While the connection between Autumn and Finny was clear, the lack of direct communication between them throughout the book left me longing for more.
Autumn and Finny are two deeply layered characters, but I wish we saw more of them together. Autumn’s internal conflict about her mental health, her struggles with belonging, and her secret longing for Finny are portrayed with sensitivity and raw emotion. Finny, too, is a character who holds a lot beneath the surface, and as the story unfolds, we understand the complexity of their relationship and the emotional weight they both carry—just not from a more present-day feel.
Writing Style
Nowlin’s writing style is very deliberate, but it didn’t quite work for me in the beginning. The repetitive nature of the writing felt almost mechanical at times, which made it hard for me to get lost in the story. However, as the book progressed, the style started to feel more fitting for the character of Autumn, whose teenage angst and mood swings were conveyed well through the choppy narrative.
The emotional weight of the story gradually overshadowed the odd writing choices, and by the end, the book’s raw emotion left me gasping. Still, the foreshadowing was heavy throughout the narrative, and the ending was heartbreaking in its inevitability. I knew what was coming, yet I still hoped for a twist that would offer a reprieve—a twist that never came.
Nowlin captured the vulnerability of adolescence and the emotional turmoil of young adulthood well. The tone is somber yet captivating, and the dialogue feels real, allowing us to understand the unspoken connections between characters. The descriptions are vivid, and the emotional moments hit hard, with some scenes staying with you long after you’ve put the book down.
Themes & Messages
If He Had Been With Me deftly explores themes of love, loss, identity, and the importance of mental health awareness. It highlights how subjective our life experiences are, emphasizing the roller coaster of emotions that shape us. Showcasing the impact of the paths that we take in life—both the ones we choose and those we don’t. Autumn’s journey is filled with those difficult “coming-of-age” realizations, including the way her environment, family, and relationships affect her mental well-being. It also highlights the importance of human connection, even in the face of tragedy.
The book doesn’t shy away from tackling tough topics like teen pregnancy, sexual pressure, and the weight of unspoken emotions. These elements add depth to the story, but at times, the unresolved issues between Autumn and the people in her life felt frustrating. In particular, the “misunderstanding” trope that could have been easily cleared up with a simple conversation. Given the nature of the family connection as it played out, it seems likely that conversation would have been forced on them long before the big reveal.
What Worked Well
The complexity of the relationship between Autumn and Finny is something I can’t deny. Their bond was tragic in the best way, and even though I wished for more interaction between them in the present day, I could still feel the intensity of their connection. The book captured the bittersweet nature of love and the way time can slip away before we fully understand its value.
The exploration of mental health and the depiction of the impact of decisions on real lives are done with care and authenticity. The emotional moments hit hard—I laughed, I cried, I bawled my eyes out. And by the end, I felt like I had been wrecked emotionally, as Autumn’s story lingered long after I finished the final page.
The ending, while difficult to read, feels honest and real.
What Could Have Been Improved
The pacing in the beginning and middle of the book felt sluggish, and I struggled with the writing style initially. It felt too blunt and repetitive, which distracted from the emotional core of the story. The lack of direct communication between Autumn and Finny was frustrating, and while the misunderstanding trope is common in YA, it didn’t resonate with me here. There were moments where a simple conversation would have cleared everything up, but it didn’t happen, which added to the tension but also felt somewhat contrived.
The heaviness of the themes, though important, can be overwhelming at times. Those sensitive to topics such as suicide and teen pregnancy should be aware that the book delves deeply into these areas, which may be triggering for some.
Additionally, the ending felt like an “injustice.” The tragedy was unavoidable, but I couldn’t help but wish for a different resolution. It broke me, but in a way that made me feel like the book had portrayed real life—with no happy endings or fairy tale conclusions, just the raw truth.
Final Thoughts
If He Had Been With Me is a beautifully heartbreaking and emotionally powerful novel that explores the complexity of love and loss. It’s a tragic, emotional ride that leaves you reeling, even as it frustrates you at times. Autumn’s journey is painful and filled with moments of self-discovery, and while I didn’t always like her, I appreciated the honesty with which the author portrayed her growth. The writing is emotionally charged, even if it’s not always fluid, and the foreshadowing makes the inevitable tragedy hit even harder.
This book is not for everyone. If you enjoy character-driven narratives with deep emotional layers and you’re ready for a roller coaster of feelings, this one will stay with you long after you finish.
However, due to its sensitive content, I recommend it for readers who are prepared for difficult topics. The novel is well-written and thought-provoking, but not for the faint of heart.
I would recommend this book to readers who enjoy stories about complicated relationships, mental health struggles, and the painful realities of growing up.
Join the Conversation
If you’ve read If He Had Been With Me, what did you think of Autumn and Finny’s story? Did the pacing work for you, or did the writing style get in the way of your connection with the book? Let me know in the comments below! Feel free to recommend similar books that explore complex relationships and coming-of-age struggles.
What’s Your Favorite Line From the Book?
Mine: “I can feel the printed words seeping through my skin and into my veins, rushing to my heart and marking it forever. I want to savor this wonder, this happening of living a book and reading it for the first time, because the first time is always the best, and I will never read this book for the first time again.”